To Coach, or not?

I just realized that it’s been almost a year since I have posted anything here. That has not been because I have given up on what I want to do. I have just been so focused on trying to learn so much that it has distracted me from something really important.

On top of all the craziness that has overcome the world in 2020, I have had a whole lot more ‘free time’ on my hands. So, I took advantage of the opportunity and dug into my studies on all that I could find on coaching, spirituality, the mind and even psychology. I took courses and became a Certified Life Coach, thinking that I had to have some sort of qualification or title before I could help anyone. Besides, who the hell is going to hire someone that’s not qualified, right? I could not have been more wrong in my approach.

Probably, the greatest insight and understanding I have ever had is the realization that all the teachings, training, certifications and gurus in the world cannot get me through the life challenges that I face each and every day. Yes, it can and does help millions of people across the planet to learn techniques and coping skills. Good therapist and coaches are true heroes in changing lives. But, that’s not the point I want to make here.

There are 2 terms that I want to share with you that has completely transformed my entire life. They are, inside-out and outside-in. You may already understand what I mean, but let me explain how understanding the difference between those 2 terms has changed my life.

We must first understand how and where we actually experience life. Where does life really happen for each individual person? Try to stay with me here as I am just trying to explain what this means to me.

I first began to understand that each and every one of my experiences in every situation was happening inside me. It makes no difference what is going on around me or around the entire world, my entire experience of any event happens within me. Talk about an eye-opener. There can be a thousand people involved in a single event and if you were able to record each persons experience of that event, you would have a thousand different experiences. That’s the reality of life and the human consciousness of experience.

This powerful understanding led me to realize that all of my experiences in life was happening from the inside-out. With that simple understanding, I began to realize that because my experience was originating from within me, I could have a choice in how I experience anything. This meant, for me, that I could no longer justify placing blame or responsibility on anyone or anything for the outcome of my experience.

That sure did take a huge load off a lot of people in my life who I used to hold responsible for the outcome of my experiences.

So now, here’s what I learned about the opposing term, outside-in. It’s all an illusion and there can be no reality to an outside-in experience. Remember, all experiences can and do happen from within each and every person. The outside-in theory is only a belief or too many times it becomes nothing more than an excuse. Blaming someone or something else for our experiences seems to be all too common and easy to do.

I DO NOT want to come across as insensitive to what you or someone else is experiencing. That IS NOT what I intend to express here at all.

Millions of people in the world are going through really shitty experiences in life that they did not ask for and definitely do not deserve. Life can truly suck and I can attest to that truth. However, no matter how challenging or difficult the situation may be, I believe there is always a sparkle of hope that can be discovered within the darkness of any situation.

“Any amount of light can overcome darkness, but no amount of darkness can overtake any amount of light”

How does all of this apply to life, you, me and coaching? Only you can choose how to understand and apply any of this to your own life.

For me, all of this new understanding has allowed me to STOP trying to become something that I am not because I thought that’s what I needed to be for my clients and everyone else. The truth is, the only thing I need to be for anyone else in my life is to just be myself and be real to my own truth within me. That’s it, nothing else.

My choice, is to NOT coach, at least not the way the world thinks a coach should be. What I will do instead, for my clients and everyone else, is just show up with all of my life experiences, successes and failures. I will look in the same direction as whoever I am with and offer guidance along side the person to locate that little spark in the darkness.

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness” -Desmond Tutu

Unhappy or Unsettled

“The worst kind of sadness is not being able to explain why”

Normally when a person is unhappy it usually means they are not pleased with their current situation or unhappy due to a disturbing or disappointing event that has taken place in their lives. Unhappiness is not really an emotion as much as it is a state of being and it is ultimately a choice. No one ever wants to experience unhappiness so why would anyone ever choose this feeling? We are all human and therefore emotions, attachments, and some occasional unhappiness are basically unavoidable. Unhappiness is not a bad thing and can be an excellent motivator or destroyer, which is where the most important choice is made.

“Be miserable or motivate yourself, whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice” – Wayne Dyer –

Unhappiness can affect anyone in any situation or circumstance, whether it is a relationship, a job, where you live or any other area of your life. True unhappiness can usually indicate that there needs to be a change in something somewhere. The change does not always have to be drastic such as divorce, quitting your job or selling your house and moving. It could only mean something as simple as sitting down and talking to your partner or boss. The key point with being unhappy is realizing that there normally needs to be a change of some type to find a resolution. It is, however, very important that we are completely mindful of our circumstance or situation before making a drastic choice that we may regret.

Being unsettled can be a tricky and uncertain state of being if we are not careful. The symptoms and indicators surrounding both being unhappy and unsettled are virtually identical. Practicing mindfulness and meditation can normally always help us to determine the difference between being unhappy or being unsettled. The outcome of either state of being is, once again, our choice. When a person is unhappy, they are almost certainly unsettled. However, an important difference is that we can be unsettled in a situation without being unhappy. Being unsettled, like unhappy, usually means that some type of change is most definitely on the horizon. The change may only be in our attitude or perspective of a situation and sometimes the change is not even a choice that we will have to make. It may only be that we are sensing some type of change in our future that we know nothing about and could happen without any choice or influence that we may have.

“When the time comes for you to change or grow, the Universe will make you feel so uncomfortable that you will eventually have no choice”

All things are frequency and the Universe responds to frequencies whether they are considered positive or negative. We are completely in control of the frequencies we send out to the universe when we are feeling unhappy or unsettled. The frequency we tune into, like a radio station, determines what will be played back to us in our lives through the situations and circumstances. The Universe is not concerned whether we are unhappy or unsettled as much as how we respond and react through either state of being. There are many factors involved at any given moment of an experience such as emotions, feelings and how we may attach to any aspect of the situation. Attachment is a key element, as we have discussed in previous posts, and could be the determining factor in any situation.

We may feel like we are cool and in control of a situation until we allow attachment with emotions sneak in. If we are not aware of what’s going on, the ego or left-brain conscious self-image will use that attachment and ‘take the reins’ attempting to control the entire situation past that point. It is so important that we understand the power of attachment, emotions, and the ego as we focus on practicing mindfulness in our daily lives. As we focus inward with self-awareness we begin to activate the right-brain unconscious self-image. It is here where our communication and connection with the Universe takes place based on the frequency of our awareness in any given experience.

Allow yourself the freedom to be mindful during the experience of unhappiness or feeling unsettled. With focused awareness, you may not understand or be able to explain the way you feel, but you can know the difference and better control the frequency of your reaction through the situation.

“When you understand that everything is frequency…the universe becomes a symphony”


Why Am I So Unhappy? Here’s why…

Are You Stuck?

“Life is about evolving. Don’t stay in a situation that’s not helping you grow mentally, spiritually and emotionally”

All of us have been stuck in one way or another and most of us are probably stuck in some way right now, either mentally, spiritually or emotionally. How do we get stuck? What does getting stuck mean? and how do we get out of that spot that seems to hold us with no mercy?

We must first look at what it means to be stuck and is it really as bad as it seems? ‘Stuck’ is a word and a word in the English language with many different definitions and perspectives depending on each individual. According to ‘stuck’ means:

“unable to move from a particular position or place, or unable to change a situation”

As we will discuss, there is more than one perspective to everything and each person’s view of ‘getting stuck‘ is different. Many people look at being stuck as a place that is virtually the end of all hope. If we approach being stuck with this point of view, then that may very well be the end of all hope in that situation. There are many people in this world and throughout history who don’t even recognize the word ‘hopeless’. They have been in situations that we would not wish on our worst enemies and they came through it.

Hope is a choice, a feeling or emotion in which we choose to experience. Realizing that our situation or experiences are definitely influential in what level of hope we may have, it remains our choice. Emotion is simply energy in motion and we know that all things are a form of energy. Electricity does not know or care where it is going or what device or appliance it will be giving power to. The energy behind emotions operates in the same way, not knowing what outcome or reaction it may fuel. We discussed emotions and attachment in our last blog, Identity Crisis Part 3, Triggers and how attaching to emotion gives that energy a direction to a reaction. Just as electricity is energy that must keep moving in one direction or another, so emotional energy must also continue to flow or it will get stuck.

As we read in the definition above on stuck, it means unable to move from a particular position or place. In the case of emotions which is energy in motion, the term stuck is not completely accurate. Our subject here revolves primarily around being emotionally stuck in a situation causing us to feel hopeless. The term trapped may be more appropriate for understanding how we get emotionally stuck in a situation. In the analogy used with electricity, if that electrical energy gets stuck or held in one place not allowing it to continue to flow freely, it will continue to build gaining momentum with a potential release that could be highly destructive. The motion of the charge does not stop, it becomes trapped.

The emotional energy that is not allowed to continue to flow in one direction or another becomes trapped and will eventually be released. Another simple analogy that will help you understand this is the flow of air used to expand a balloon. The balloon will continue to expand until it is unable to accommodate the flow of air. In essence, the air becomes trapped within the confines of the balloon until the walls are weakened to a point of breaking. As the balloon begins to expand with the air, there is no way of knowing the exact point on the surface that will give way to the increased air pressure and when it does, all the air is released at that point. Trapped emotional energy can have the same effect as trapped air in a balloon. This was discussed in ‘Identity Crisis-Part 2, Labels’, with the disease, sickness and overall health being connected to trapped emotions.

This discussion can take many different avenues in relation to trapped emotions and the benefits of allowing that energy to continue to move in a positive direction before its too late. We witness this throughout virtually every situation in our lives as well as those around us. Babies are a prime example of energy in motion. Before a baby is conditioned by the world and parents to repress emotions, that energy moves through them in crying, screaming, laughter and words we don’t understand. It may very well be that some of the health issues seen in infants are directly related to trapped energy that was not allowed to be released. It may not be a bad thing to allow a baby to cry and scream a little as long as they are kept safe and comfortable. That is pure energy in motion, don’t allow it to get trapped in their bodies causing an unhealthy release.

“A crying baby does not annoy or disturb the baby, it only disturbs or creates concern in those hearing it. The baby is expressing itself in the only way they know. Instead of allowing that energy to be trapped, try to understand it first and then decide how it is to be treated. This does not only apply to infants, but also to children of all ages, including adults.

We get stuck when we allow emotions to be trapped, not moving or flowing in a positive or continuous direction. Even as adults, sometimes we may need to cry, scream or verbalize this energy in a healthy way in order to keep it moving, not allowing it to be trapped. This trapped emotional energy reveals itself, not only is physical health, but also as depression, anger, hostility, and violence. Remember the analogy of the balloon, this energy will be released at the weakest point in our lives. Awareness and understanding of trapped emotional energy is the first and biggest step on the path to not getting stuck.

Practicing mindfulness and meditation is one of the most effective and healthy ways to keep emotional energy moving without being trapped. Mindfulness involves an inner focus not attaching to an external experience creating a false identity of who we are. When we calm our emotional energy allowing it to freely and smoothly flow in a healthy direction, we are able to experience a subtle release and not feel stuck or trapped.

“Our conscious mind analyzes and interprets all external experiences developing a false conscious self-image”

Practicing mindfulness is just that, a practice and it requires commitment and patience. Mindfulness and meditation techniques are not like a drug that is primarily used to only suppress external symptoms. Internal focus and awareness reach deeper to the core and origin of emotional energy bringing understanding and not confusion. There is no set way or method to achieve mental awareness, it only takes a desire and that first step in the direction of emotional freedom from being stuck.

“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong”